Nowadays, children are expected to start all sorts of extra-curricular activities even before they can utter ‘ma-ma’ and ‘da-da’. If you haven’t got your act together yet, fret not. Here is a guide to helping you choose the right instrument for your child. Don’t delay though: if you have a two-year-old who has still not begun music lessons, his/her chances of getting into the best prep schools, high schools, and universities have been seriously lowered.
So, here goes…
Violin – if your child’s head is naturally tipped towards the left shoulder.
Viola – suitable for a middle child who is used to feeling neglected or having to compromise all the time.
Cello – if you have a child who loves repeating things over and over and over and over…
Guitar – if you want your child to be ‘the cool kid’ in school, in your family, and amongst your friends, since he/she will be able to play pop, country, and classical music.
Electric guitar – if you are competing with neighbours for noise (you can always turn up the guitar amp).
Ukelele – if you want your child to be forever cute; or if your child is naturally unmusical but you want him/her passed off as a musical genius.
Flute – if your child is talkative and speaks fast without ever getting out of breath.
Oboe – if you want your child to be responsible for an entire orchestra. He/she will be on the path to becoming a great political leader.
Clarinet – if you want your child’s free time to be filled with all sorts of musical activities, from symphony orchestra and wind orchestra to wind ensemble, marching band, wind trio, wind quintet, jazz band…
Bassoon – all that practice will lead to adept oral and fingering skills…
Saxophone – if you have annoying neighbours.
Trumpet – if your child struggles with the meaning of ‘Be quiet!’ AND if you hate your neighbours.
French Horn – if your child is not great with numbers.
Trombone – if your child’s favourite toy is a pacifier and he/she has unusually long arms.
Tuba – if your child can hold his/her breath for at least two minutes.
Percussion – if your child likes to express emotions in a physical way. Alternatively, try boxing.
Drums – if you want to evict your neighbours.
Piano – if you have an only child who happens to be ambidextrous.
Test 1: can he/she draw a square with one hand and a circle with the other simultaneously?
Test 2: can he/she thread a needle with one hand whilst using the other to pick up marbles with chopsticks?
Harp – only if SHE looks like a goddess. It is just wrong for anyone else to attempt playing this instrument.
Voice – if your child is physically mal-coordinated.
Accordion – if your child is exceptional at pressing buttons.
Church organ – if you cannot bear listening to your child practise at home.
Conducting – only consider this if you answer in the affirmative for the following three questions:
1) Does he/she act way too old for his/her age?
2) Is he/she good at winging it?
3) Does he/she have curly hair?
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- Weaponizing Classical Music Can we use classical music to fight crime and deter loitering?